


I am a pile of bricks and you are holding a sledgehammer

by LiviKate



Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Raphael Santiago, Insecure Simon Lewis, Jealous Simon, Light Angst, M/M, Miscommunication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-27
Updated: 2017-09-30
Packaged: 2019-01-06 00:49:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,000
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12200643
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiviKate/pseuds/LiviKate
Summary: “So when do I get tucked safely back under Raphael’s wing?”“You won’t,” Lily said, wandering over to the other side of the room to get her own drink.“Raphael has a new fledgling now. You’re stuck with me.”Or, when Simon isn't the newest vamp in the clan, he has a hard time sharing.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Title from Neil Hilborn's Ballad of the Bruised Lung. The line goes "I am a pile of bricks and you are holding a sledgehammer/ Which is to say, I would not exist without you."

“Ow,” Simon whined pitifully, rolling over his sore shoulder and struggling up to his feet, again. Lily just smiled at him, seemingly pleased with his bruised and disheveled nature.

“That was a little better,” she praised, before rushing him again and tossing him to the floor.

“Ow!” Simon cried more insistently, attempting to garner sympathy as he rolled flat onto his back on the squishy mat. Lily just laughed. He sighed. It was worth a try. “You know, Raphael is never this mean to me,” Simon complained.

“I know,” Lily snorted. “That’s why you’re training with me now. Raphael is great at scent training, hunger control and diplomacy. But he’s not going to be able to teach you how to fight. Not like I can.”

“I’ve seen Raph fight,” Simon defended, pushing himself up to seated. “He’s an amazing fighter.”

“You would think so, wouldn’t you, _baby_?” she asked, drawing the word out long and mocking, like all the vampires did. Almost all of them, at least. “Sure, Raphael is a skilled fighter, but without me, he would’ve been dead a long time ago.”

“He’s lucky to have you, then,” Simon said with narrowed eyes, trying to detect any hint of dissent in the ranks. Lily was Raphael’s trusted number two. If anyone could overthrow him, it would be her.

“Don’t worry, fledgling, I’m not trying to usurp your daddy,” Lily said with a sharp grin, holding out her hand to pull him up. He took it, and she tossed him easily over her shoulder. He hit the foamed wall of the practice room and thought that he probably should’ve seen that one coming. “Raphael is the diplomat, I’m the muscle. We can’t exist without each other.” She walked over to him and crouched down in front of him. “He’s my best friend. My _brother,_ ” she said seriously, holding his gaze. “Thank you for worrying about him,” she said softly. She nodded at him solemnly and his breath caught in his throat at the knowing look in her gaze.

“Well, you know,” he said, breaking eye contact and struggling to his feet. “It’s my job. Assistant, and everything, you know.” Lily smirked, seemingly willing to let the unexpectedly heavy moment go. Engaging a little super speed, she swept his legs out from under him, but caught him by his shirt before he fell.

Dangling from her fist like a child, Simon considered trying to break her hold, but went limp instead. His feet swung a few inches off the floor, and if he pointed his toe, he could push off. He did, making himself sway back and forth like a kid in a swing.

“Wee,” he said cheerily, smiling when it got a laugh. Lily dropped him, and in a testament to his training, he landed on his feet. “Not that this isn’t great fun,” he said, turning away from his trainer to grab his bottle to sip a little blood. “But I think I’m the diplomat type, too. Not really a fighter.”

“Really?” Lily said in mock surprise. “I couldn’t tell.” He stuck his tongue out at her and continued.

“So when do I get tucked safely back under Raphael’s wing?”

“You won’t,” Lily said, wandering over to the other side of the room to get her own drink. “He doesn’t have the time anymore.”

“Excuse me?” Simon asked, sputtering a little as he tried to swallow a sip and gasp at the same time.

“Raphael has a new fledgling now. You’re stuck with me.”

 

It was two whole days later when Simon finally met the new fledgling. Which, he supposed given his own experience, wasn’t too strange. When he first turned, Raphael was the only other vampire he saw in the DuMort for four days. It made his fangs itch to think that this newbie might be progressing through the change more gracefully than he had. Although really, he thought he’d probably set the bar pretty low.

Still, two days felt like an incredibly long time, and Simon realized that it was probably because he hadn’t gone that long without seeing the clan leader since he returned after the Camille incident. He’d gotten used to filling his nights with Raphael’s quiet and calming company. Between helping with clan business in the early evening, to convincing Raph that he needed to unwind with a few movies just before sunup, Simon had fallen into a routine centered quite happily around the other man.

And perhaps Clary and Izzy teased him for it, and maybe Stan gave him a hard time, and it was possible that Lily knew more than she was saying, but Simon thought he was managing his crush pretty spectacularly. Yes, he had feelings for the older vamp, but who wouldn’t? They worked together. They trained for hours a day; Simon working to track down Raphael’s favorite book in the library by scent, Raphael pricking his finger and making Simon stare at it without letting his fangs fall, the two of them racing through the web of underground tunnels. Nothing made Simon light up inside more than when he knew he’d done something to make Raphael proud. He woke up every night for the privilege of watching that coveted softness fall over the older man’s still youthful features when Simon did something impressive or embarrassing. He was all he thought about, all he cared about. His obsession with the vamp could easily have been debilitating.

But he was nearly sure that it wasn’t entirely one-sided. He knew something was holding Raphael back, but he felt _something_ when they looked at each other. There was something in the way Raphael would call him “fledgling,” or “ _baby_ ,” in that quiet, cool whisper that he had. There was something even when he’d first turned, in the way he let him feed from his wrist when he was weak from starving himself, and in the way he would let him sleep in his arms when the nightmares came. There had to be something there, something to explain why Raphael let him come home after making so many mistakes, after betraying him so many times. There had to be some reason that Raphael welcomed him back with open arms and sharp smirks, why he gave him a job that kept him close and still let him slide into his bed with the dreams got too bad. In fact, lately, all he had to do was show up at the door and Raphael would have the other corner of the blanket turned down for him.

He thought they were just on the cusp of _together._ All they needed was a push. Simon knew there was hope. Knew it every time Raphael let him drift close on the couch as they marathoned The Office late into the day. Simon just needed to be patient, to wait until Raphael was ready. Fortunately for Simon, he had years of experience of controlling romantic interest. He was absolutely conditioned to continue to live his undead life as a normal and functioning adult whether or not his feelings were returned. He was completely in control of the situation.

That is, until Raphael led a tiny new vampire into the reception room by her tiny hand.

The whole clan had gathered under Lily’s orders to welcome the new fledging into the ranks, and Simon hadn’t really thought about the new vamp much, as he had been so excited just to see his friend again. And he figured, Raphael was probably excited to see him again, too. He hadn’t prepared for the way it would make him feel to see a new, freshly turned woman clinging to the hand of his leader like a limpet.

She was easily five years older than Simon had been when he’d turned, clearly at her physical prime. She was stunningly beautiful, the paleness of the change cooling what must’ve been warm brown skin, her dark hair and brows were shiny and strong, framing wide, dark eyes. She surveyed the crowd with just barely perceptible apprehension, and the tight grip she had on Raphael’s hand was indicative of the nerves she refused to show on her face.

Simon thought her name was Ari, but he didn’t pay attention to Raphael’s welcome speech. Instead, he stared at where their hands were joined, and tried to convince himself that the fading bite mark he could see on Raphael’s wrist was just a figment of his imagination. He knew sire bites took longer to fade, and something ugly curled in his stomach at the thought of this pretty girl getting to put her lips against his skin, her teeth in his flesh, and leave a mark that would stick for a while. He knew they would have a bond that he would never have with their leader. The reminder that Camille’s blood was running through him made him want to scratch all of his skin off, made him want to rip his heart out and hand it to Raphael, ask him to make him whole, make him _his._

He didn’t realize that his fangs were out and digging into his own gums until Stan elbowed him. He jerked his gaze up and found the new vamp staring at him intensely. She could probably smell the blood in his mouth, and judging by the way the tendons in the back of his hand were standing out harshly under his pale skin, Raphael was doing the majority of the work in helping the new woman control herself.

Looking at Raphael’s face showed him only distrust and disappointment. Not knowing what to say, Simon turned on his heel and fled.

 

 

Raphael didn’t come looking for him, and Simon tried to convince himself that he was happy about it. Obviously, he didn’t want to get in trouble for bailing on a meeting, or not paying any attention while he was there, or offending their new clan member, or whatever it was he’d done worst. But. It still would’ve been nice to see his friend, even if he was scolding him.

At least, that’s what he thought. The next evening when Simon made his way into the kitchen, sleepily scratching at his stomach and trying to see through a bleary yawn, he was stopped by a small hand pressed to the center of his chest. He stared in shock as the new fledgling stepped up to him, glaring up into his face with a dark intensity. Though she was easily a foot shorter than him, Simon knew better than to think that she wasn’t dangerous.

“That stunt you pulled yesterday,” she said, her voice hard and mean. “You were trying to test me?” she accused, and Simon didn’t even get to stutter out an apology or an excuse. She just shoved him hard in the chest and snarled at him. “You’re lucky Rafa was there to hold me back,” she hissed. “Or you’d be missing half of that ugly face.” She stormed away in a swirl of colorful sari and indignation.

The few vampires dotting the chairs in the kitchen watched with bemused expressions as Simon sputtered at her wake.

“Did anybody see that?” he asked shrilly, arms flailing about. He couldn’t believe he’d just been threatened. In his own home! He was here first. And calling Raphael “Rafa”? Like they were so close? Simon looked around for support. Most of the vamps just smirked or rolled their eyes. Stan just whistled lowly.

“New kid’s got some spunk,” he said, shrugging. “I like her. No wonder she’s Raphael’s new favorite.” As if summoned by his name, Raphael appeared in the doorway behind Simon. He didn’t need to see him to know who it was, Simon had relied on that sharp scent and quiet presence for a long time now. Because _he_ was the favorite, goddammit.

“Raph, you won’t believe what just happened,” Simon said spinning around. Raphael had always defended him from the other vampires in the clan. Simon had had a rocky start here, and had made a lot of enemies before he’d made any friends. Raphael had always had his back, had always seen something in him. Simon was a little excited to see what punishment the new girl had coming.

But when he saw the clan leader’s face, his hope waned a little at the angry look in his eyes.

“Why were you testing my new fledgling?” he asked carefully, in that dangerous whisper voice that Simon did not at all find sexy.

“I wasn’t,” Simon said, stuttering pathetically, mouth gaping.

“You just happened to start bleeding on accident then?” Raphael pushed, head tilting at an angle that made his cheekbones shine. “In front of a brand new baby?” Simon’s foolish heart twinged a little at the sound of someone else being called baby.

“I didn’t mean to,” he said quietly, reaching for Raphael’s wrist. They both flinched when Simon’s fingers curled around the fading bruise of the sire bite.

“Don’t ever test my fledgling again,” Raphael said coolly, arms crossing over his chest. “That goes for everyone,” he said to the larger room, staring down anyone who would meet his eye.

“Raphael, you’re not even listening to me,” Simon insisted.

“Do you even understand how stupid that was?” Raphael talked over him. “You do not get to start problems with her.”

“Raph, this is _me_ you’re talking to. I wasn’t starting anything. She was just trying to start something with me!”

“I can’t protect you from everything, Simon. Do not make the mistake of thinking you're too special to be threatened,” Raphael bit out harshly, sounding genuinely heated.

It’s a good thing Simon didn’t need to breathe because he couldn’t He remembered Raphael doing this same thing for him, at least three times. Defending him from vamps who would rather see him in ashes than drinking blood in their parlor. Standing up for him when he made mistakes or put a target on his own back.

He thought it had been special. Something Raphael had done for him.

Evidently, he was wrong.


	2. Chapter 2

He trained hard with Lily that night. He had a lot of anger built up. Raphael had excused him from his official duties, sending him to Lily with orders for her not to go easy on him, to make him regret the decisions he’d made. He’d always thought it was sexy and cool when Raphael had done that to other vamps on his behalf. Now? Now he was just angry.

Angry that this new vamp had turned the first conversation Simon got to have with Raph since she arrived into an argument. Angry that he didn’t get to spend the day with him. Angry that instead of training with him, playing games and making jokes, he was getting his ass handed to him by Lily.

“You’re feisty today,” Lily commented, as she swung punches at him that Simon was just barely dodging. “Are you pissed you got yelled at?”

“No,” Simon lied poorly, launching his own volley of jabs, none of which landed and he got slapped in the stomach for his effort. “He threatened me, Lily. _Me_!”

“You ever think maybe he was worried about you?” Lily asked with a quirked brow, throwing a slow kick that Simon blocked. “Did you consider that he was so hard on you because you made yourself bleed in front of a brand new vampire who is still filled with Mundane blood and who could’ve absolutely ripped you apart? Why do you think you’re here, Simon?” Simon shrugged, letting his hands drop and getting hit in the ear for it. “You’re here to learn how to defend yourself. So Raphael always knows you’re safe.”

“So, when he yelled at me today, you think it was because he was mad I put myself in danger?” Simon asked. He didn’t see the hand swinging at him until it slapped him upside the head.

“Yes, you fucking idiot,” Lily said, rolling her eyes. “He worries about you all the time.”

“I’d like it if he spent a little bit more time worrying about me and a little less time worrying about his new bff,” Simon groused, totally maturely.

“You didn’t think you were going to be Daddy’s little baby forever, right?” Lily laughed lightly. At the snarl on Simon’s face, she lowered her fists and frowned at him sympathetically. “You did, didn’t you?”

“No, I didn’t,” Simon growled, scraping a hand through his hair. “I just thought,” he trailed off. “I don’t know what I thought.”

“You thought you were special to him.”

“Yeah, well, maybe I did. And I don’t care if you think it’s dumb. I think there’s something there,” Simon insisted. “We spend all night together. I make him laugh. He lets me sleep in his bed sometimes, when I ask. He even cuddles, if I’m lucky. That _has_ to mean something.”

“I don’t think that’s dumb, Simon,” she said seriously, cutting in. “I think you’re right.” Simon looked up, trying not to look too hopeful. Lily was known for being harsh and blunt. He didn’t think that she would lie to him to make him feel better.

“Really?”

“Simon, I’ve known Raphael for forty-five years now,” she said, putting a hand on his shoulder. “And I have never seen him let a fledgling sleep with him. He’ll stay up with them in the lounge, sit with them on the couches. But he’s never let a baby vamp sleep in his bed.”

“So,” Simon said low and long, searching the vampire’s face frantically. “You think maybe there’s a chance?”

“I think it probably means something, but I won't pretend to guess what. Why don’t you go talk to him?” Lily said, shoving at his shoulder none too gently.

“I don’t think he wants to talk to me right now,” Simon said, bouncing nervously on his feet. Lily kicked out and swept his knee out from under him. He winced as he hit the mat. “Maybe I should wait until he’s not furious at me though.”

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” Lily said, helping him back up onto his feet. “Sleep on it, go see him in the evening. Besides, you’re not done with your training.” Lily gave him a wicked smile and Simon returned it, with a lot less anger and a lot more hope.

 

 

Simon didn’t sleep well, too aware of the open space next to him and the way his pillow didn’t smell like hair gel and his room didn’t feel like home. When the windows were finally dark, or at least close enough, Simon rolled out of bed and pulled a jacket over his bare shoulders, zipping it up as he made his hurried way down the hall. He took the two flights of stairs that separated their floors just shy of vampire speed and stopped outside of Raphael’s door, the only one on the penthouse floor. He took a few, unnecessary breaths to calm down and then raised his fist to knock.

Before he could, however, the door swung open.

Ari looked out at him with extreme suspicion and mistrust.

“What do you want?” she spat. Simon’s mouth hung open in shock. The angry woman’s cheeks flushed lightly in embarrassment. Simon thought that if she had enough blood to blush through her dark skin, she must’ve fed recently and well. His brain was at once frozen and spinning; unable to fully process the fact that she was at the door, while also flooding with images of her and Raphael in his bed, tangled together, feeding from each other.

“Simon,” Raphael said, appearing behind Ari in the doorway. He was wearing a loose tshirt and red silk pants, pajamas that Simon thought only he ever saw. The crease of concern on Raphael’s brow broke him out of his stupor.

“What _the fuck_?” Simon asked, too loud for this early in the evening.

“I’m out of here,” she murmured lowly under her breath, head ducked in embarrassment as she shoved past Simon and zoomed for the stairs. Simon didn’t watch her go, couldn’t take his gaze away from Raphael.

“Simon,” Raphael said again, having the nerve to look disappointed at him. “You remember the nightmares.”

“Yeah, of course,” Simon said with a choking laugh. “I think I’m having one right now.”

He saw Raphael’s face twist with guilt before he sped away, the stairs a blur under his feet, the vampires around him shouting wordlessly. He left the hotel and kept running. He didn’t care that he hadn’t fed yet, he didn’t care that he didn’t have shoes on. He just couldn’t be in that hotel until he’d gotten his dead, broken heart under control.

 

 

Knocking on the door to Magnus’ house was probably not his best move, but Magnus was the only downworlder he really trusted to win a fight against a hungry and heartbroken vampire with a 100% success rate. It bothered him a little that he chose who to run to based on who could kill him the easiest, but he didn’t dwell on it. Magnus was also the most likely to have blood around, so hopefully it wouldn’t come to that.

Of course, it was the shadowhunter who opened the door.

“What do you want?” Alec asked, trying to sound dry and mean, but Simon thought maybe he detected a little bit of concern in the way he looked him up and down.

“Can I come in?” Simon asked, looking over his broad shoulder to see Magnus walking towards them with a cocktail in his hand. “I can’t go back to the hotel.”

“And why is that, Sean?” Magnus asked striding up and sliding his free arm around Alec’s waist, and Simon tried to find it charming that he never used his name. Right now, though, it just hurt, making him feel entirely worthless and replaceable, everywhere he went. “Trouble in paradise?”

“Something like that,” Simon muttered to the ground, shoving his hands into his sweatshirt. Magnus was halfway through a put-upon sigh before Alec leaned in to whisper something into his ear. Magnus snapped his mouth shut immediately, eyes narrowing.

“Why don’t you have shoes on? Why aren’t you dressed?”

“I left in a hurry,” Simon said, following when the pair stepped out of the doorway and motioned him inside.

“Is the hotel under attack?” Magnus asked quickly, suddenly looking all business. “Is Raphael okay?”

“Oh, he’s fine, don’t worry about him,” Simon snorted unattractively.

“Oh, good, it’s just a romantic squabble,” Magnus sighed, collapsing onto the couch and pulling Alec into his lap with the arm around his waist. “What did the big bad vampire do, hmm Scotty?” Alec smirked at him from his perch on Magnus’ thighs, somehow looking completely at ease reclined against his partner’s shoulder, despite his height. “Did he have to scold you in front of the clan? Did he say something mean about Star Trek?”

“He’s sleeping with someone else,” Simon said blankly, feeling drained. The shadowhunter’s spine straightened immediately.

“He’s cheating on you?” Simon sunk into the opposing couch, strings cut, exhausted though he’d just woken up.

“No, Raphael simply wouldn’t do that,” Magnus said with confidence. “There's no way."

“No, he’s not cheating on me,” he answered miserably. “Because we’re not together.” Magnus snorted like he didn’t believe it, and Simon envied the reality he must imagine. “I mean, I want to be, obviously,” Simon admitted. “But, he, uh, he picked someone else.”

“Oh,” Magnus said, sobering. “I’m sorry, I didn’t know you weren’t official.”

“So you saw it, too?” Simon wasn’t begging for validation, but he didn’t know how he, and Lily, could’ve been so wrong. “It wasn’t my imagination?”

“I haven’t seen Raphael that soft around someone in decades, Soloman,” Magnus said, and though the name hurt, the words were kind and gentle, and Simon dropped his face into his hands.

“Well it doesn’t matter now,” Simon sighed. “He’s got a new fledgling that he seems really into. And she’s fucking gorgeous and tough and mean, just like him.”

“The sire bond is strong, but it doesn’t necessitate romance,” Magnus said. “You might be reading into things too much.”

“They slept in the same bed, Magnus,” Simon said tiredly. “Lily says he’s never done that for any other fledgling. Except me.”

“I’m sure if you talk to him, you can fix this,” Magnus said, looking distressingly earnest and Simon just scoffed.

“This isn’t something that needs to be _fixed_ ,” Simon said. “I didn’t come here for you to fix it. I’m not that “Nice Guy” who thinks he deserves anything. I can’t fix Raphael’s feelings.” He leaned back against the couch tiredly. “I just need to get used to it, and I need a little space to do that.” Magnus and Alec both looked terribly sorry for him. “So can I please stay here for a few days? I don’t think I can go back there right now.”

“Of course,” Magnus said softly, and Alec nodded with him. “But,” he continued and Simon sighed. “You need to tell Raphael where you are. He will worry.”

“I don’t have my phone,” Simon realized, patting at his pockets. It was still plugged in on his bed in the DuMort.

“Fine,” Magnus waved it away. “But I will let him know you’re here. And that you need a few days off.”

“Thank you,” Simon said. He was very grateful to have another downworlder; even if they weren’t close, weren’t friends, at least they understood each other.

“Have you eaten today?” Simon shook his head. Magnus’ arm around Alec’s waist tightened. “You put others in danger, running away from home, emotionally compromised and hungry. An angry vampire is a dangerous one.”

“That’s why I came here,” Simon said, nodding. “I’m definitely in control, and I know I won’t hurt anyone. But, if I lost it, if I went crazy or rabid or anything, you’d be able to kill me if you needed to. Clary couldn’t, Luke couldn’t, my family wouldn’t even know how.”

“Simon,” Magnus breathed, looking genuinely surprised, actually using his name. “I wouldn’t.”

“But you could.” Magnus’ lips pursed and he looked sad but resigned.

“True,” he acknowledged after a silence. He nudged at the shadowhunter on top of him and stood up, snapping his fingers. “But let’s not be dramatic.” A tall glass of blood appeared on the table in front of Simon and he smiled weakly at the warlock. He took a sip as Magnus wandered deeper into the apartment, snapping his fingers and sending sparks along the way. “There, your room is all set up,” he said happily. “What’s your favorite color?”

“I don’t know. Blue,” Simon said, pushing up from the couch to follow the warlock, aware of Alec’s careful eyes on him.

“Done,” Magnus said with a final snap, before sweeping a door open. Inside was a lavishly decorated room in blues and greys. “I’ll teach the wards who you are so you can come and go.” He snapped his fingers again. “There is blood in the refrigerator, and a Blood setting on the microwave.”

“Thank you,” Simon said, hoping his sincerity showed. It must’ve. Magnus patted him on the cheek.

“Make yourself at home, my sweet,” he said. “Magnus’ Home for Lost and Sad Downworlders is always open to you.”

Simon smiled crookedly and stepped into the room. The door closed behind him and he collapsed onto the bed. It would be really embarrassing to stain Magnus’ nice pillows with bloody tears, so he didn’t. But for the first day, it was very close.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Our poor sweet Simon. Leave me a comment if you're sad, and keep an eye out for the happy ending!


	3. Chapter 3

Raphael never came to see him. He didn’t really expect him to, but in the early mornings, when he would stare at the ceiling, trying to sleep, he would imagine Raphael banging down Magnus’ door and demanding to see him. Of course that wasn’t going to happen, because this wasn’t a storybook, and he wasn’t a prince, and Raphael wasn’t coming for him. Accepting that was the first step. Every hour after that was easier.

He stayed with Magnus for three days. It was a little like a vacation; no phone, no work, no training. It would’ve been nice if he wasn’t so miserable. Magnus and Alec were sickeningly domestic; making dinner for each other and cuddling on the couch. Eventually, watching them be cute and romantic, and _listening_ to them be filthy and romantic, became worse than anything he could imagine Raphael would be doing with his new fledgling.

“You two are disgusting,” he declared when Magnus stirred a cocktail with his finger and he caught Alec grabbing his hand to suck it clean.

“You can leave at any time,” Magnus said in a sing-song, hooking his finger in Alec’s teeth and pulling him in close. At the last moment, he slid his hand to his cheek and kissed him firmly.

“I think I will,” Simon said grandly. Alec pulled away, immediately looking guilty.

“We’re sorry, Simon,” Alec said. “We’re not trying to make you feel worse.” Simon thought that of everyone he knew, Alec probably understood the most about how he was feeling, needing to squash his feelings down inside himself. He appreciated his worry.

“No, I’m serious, I think I need to go home,” he said. “It’s time,” he sighed. “You guys have been great, like, crazy awesome, but I need to get back to my life, you know? Or, I guess, undead life, as it were. Afterlife, is the word for it.”

“Well you certainly sound like yourself again,” Magnus said with a smirk. “I didn’t miss the babbling.” His smirk softened to a kinder smile. “I’m sure Raphael will be happy to have it back, though.”

“He’s probably run the clan into the ground without his assistant,” Simon said, shaking his head slowly. He grinned at the pair folded together on the couch and waved on his way out.

Even as nervous as he was, he was glad to be going home.

 

He saw a few vamps on his way in, and he tried to wave and look normal, like he hadn’t disappeared for several days to handle a crisis of the unbeating heart. He passed Stan in the stairway and all he said in greeting was “ _Oh thank fucking God_.” A curl of anxiety appeared in his stomach as he wondered if he’d missed some important clan business while he was away. He didn’t see Raphael on the way to his room, and he was glad for it. He was wearing magicked clothes courtesy of Magnus, but he didn’t know how well he was really rocking the skintight denim and deep v-neck of his glossy purple shirt. He was ready to get back into his own room, change into his own clothes, and check his phone.

Thirteen texts from Clary greeted him, a few memes from Maia, and a few snaps from Rebecca. What surprised him, though, were the six missed calls he had from Raphael, all in the first hour or so that he was gone. He was probably trying to scold him for bailing on his job. Even weirder, were the smattering of text messages, in which Raphael apparently forgot he was gone.

 

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _02:28_

            Come to my apartment after work, I got that Hulu thing you wanted.

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _02:43_

I apologize, I forgot you were taking time off.

 

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _06:13_

I take offense to your previous assertion that I am a Tina. I do not identify with any of these creatures. Where are their teeth?

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _06:29_

            You’re a Teddy

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _06:31_

Okay you’re not. You’re a Linda because you’re not here to do your fucking job.

 

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _18:02_

            Breakfast on the veranda, we need to discuss our NJ Seelie decision.

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _18:11_

Apologies again.

 

 **Fangy boi >:K ** _12:56_

Come see me as soon as you’re back, Simon. You should be here.

 

The last text came during the middle of the day on the second day Simon was gone, and Simon was worried that maybe he’d been up late, doing work that Simon should’ve been home to help with. He sighed, letting the phone drop as he stared regretfully at his en suite. He smelled of Alec’s soaps, which probably didn’t bother a shadowhunter or a warlock, but the scent was sharp enough to be constantly noticeable to a vampire nose. He didn’t have the luxury of a shower in his own carefully selected soaps, not if Raphael was already mad about him missing work.

He could at least change his clothes though, which he did as quickly as possible, before heading down to the main floor. He waved at Lily when he passed her in the lounge, who looked, almost, _relieved_ to see him. God, he hoped the clan hadn’t been in that much trouble while he was gone. With a controlled breath, he stood outside Raphael’s office door, taking a moment to center himself before he knocked.

He expected the same, gruff “Enter,” that usually followed a knock on his door. He was not expecting a rush of air as the door was yanked open with inhuman speed. He was grabbed by the front of his shirt and nearly drug off his feet. The door was slammed behind him and he was quickly slammed back into it. Raphael stood in front of him with a complicated expression.

“Uh, hey, boss,” Simon stuttered, trying to force a casual smile onto his face.

“I hear you came back this evening looking like you’d spent the last three nights at a rave,” Raphael growled, staring him down, lips pursed tightly. Simon didn’t want to meet his eye, so he looked over his shoulder, taking in the uncharacteristic mess cluttering his desk.

“I don’t know why anyone would think that,” Simon said, fidgeting against the door. Raphael’s fist pressed harder into his chest, his shirt wrinkling.

“They said you came in wearing club clothes, covered in glitter and smelling like a fucking body spray commercial,” Raphael snarled. “You still reek,” he said, curling his lip in disgust, revealing a pearly fang. “You didn’t even take your fucking phone. How was I supposed to know you were safe?”

“Magnus told you—”

“ _Magnus_ is an expert at throwing parties and fucking around,” Raphael growled in his face, before shoving away. Simon tried to straighten his shirt, though it was probably a lost cause.

“Look, I’m sorry I bailed on work,” Simon began, hands up defensively. He hadn’t expected the clan leader to be this angry. His nostrils were even flaring, something Simon hadn’t seen since he betrayed him over the Camille incident.

“You think this is about work?” Raphael hissed, his voice quiet and angry. “You think I’m mad because you weren’t here to _work_?”

“I mean, I figured things must have been pretty busy around here,” Simon mumbled, shifting his weight, feeling entirely unsure.

“You left. Without your phone, without telling me, without any warning. And then you had Magnus text me that you needed _a break_?” Raphael asked, voice rising. Simon had never heard him yell before. It was always gruff and scary whispers. But now, he was getting loud, loud and out of control. “Why would you do that to me?”

“Because I needed a break,” Simon shouted back. “Excuse me if I didn’t want to plan the welcome party for your new girlfriend. Now, if you want me to keep doing my job, and keep living a normal, fucking, healthy life, then you’ll let me have my space.”

Raphael took a step back, looking blindsided, like he hadn’t expected Simon to actually yell back at him. Simon’s chest heaved with unnecessary breath as he watched Raphael blink at him.

“Are you… jealous?” he asked after several long beats of silence. Simon could’ve slapped him across the face if he’d been standing close enough.

“How can you fucking ask me that?” He threw his hands up. His face was heating with all the borrowed blood in his body right now. “ _You let her sleep in your bed, Raphael_.” He stepped forward to shove the other man in the chest. “How was that supposed to make me feel? Of course I’m fucking _jealous_. Did she use my pillow? Does your bed even smell like me anymore?”

“So you went out to do what?” Raphael finally shouted back, pushing him in return. “Did Magnus help you get all dressed up to go out and fuck someone else? Is that why you smell like a goddamn Mundane fragrance ad?”

“No, you asshole,” Simon shoved back. “I smell like this because I spent more hours crying in the shower over the past three days than I have sleeping. Because of you.” He bared his fangs and pretended his vision wasn’t blurry. “So you can go fuck yourself. And your mean new girlfriend. And I’ll just be the pathetic assistant who is supposed to stand by and do your fucking taxes.”

Raphael looked shocked, staring at him like he couldn’t believe what he was seeing. Simon was embarrassed to find tears on his cheeks and he looked away.

“Simon,” Raphael said, his voice quiet and soothing again, sounding immediately regretful. “Simon, baby, I’m so sorry.” His hand landed on Simon’s arm, and Simon hated himself a little for his inability to shake it off. He leaned into it, minutely, but it was enough for Raphael to pull him in. Hand on the back of his neck, he brought his face to his shoulder, letting his bloody tears soak into his nice suit. In a moment, all of the work Simon had done over the past few days was gone. All the distance, the perspective, the carefully rehearsed platonic greetings, all disappeared. Because nothing had ever felt as good to him as Raphael’s arms wrapping around his waist.

He grabbed his lapels in his hands, crushing the rich fabric out of shape, and sniffed. He was aware of how inappropriate this was, crying on the shoulder of his boss who didn’t love him back.

“I’m sorry,” he muttered. “I just, I really thought that we had something.”

“No, Simon, stop it,” Raphael pleaded, squeezing the back of his neck. “Baby, of course we have something.”

If his heart still beat, it would be pounding. Simon jerked his head up to meet his eye. He looked wrecked, more upset than Simon had ever seen him. When he brushed his thumb under his eye, Simon thought he felt it shake.

“I’ve thought of us as together for a while, now. Perhaps it was unspoken, but I thought we understood each other,” Raphael said quietly, searching his face. “I didn’t imagine that you would ever doubt my feelings for you.”

“You have feelings for me?” Simon asked, overwhelmed, afraid he was dreaming.

“Yes, _mi amor,_ ” Raphael said on an exhale, looking shocked and sad. “You didn’t know?” Simon shook his head woodenly. “ _Idiota_ , I let you sleep in my bed, I spend every night with you.”

“You’ve been doing that with _her_ , too,” Simon said bitterly, letting his hands fidget with his lapels, attempting to soothe them down.

“She was never in my bed,” Raphael said, the intensity in his voice making it sound like a vow. “She had nightmares, so she came to my apartment. We stayed on the couches in the living room, watching one of those terrible shows your generation seems to like so much.” Simon looked down, embarrassed but relieved. “When you left,” Raphael shook his head sadly, “and Magnus said you needed a _break_ , I thought you were looking for someone else.” Raphael finally dropped his gaze and his hands, taking a step away. He cleared his throat and looked heartbreakingly vulnerable. “Because, as you may have noticed, I’m not interested in sex. I assumed you’d gotten tired of our arrangement. And I suppose that I was very upset and jealous as well.”

“I had no idea,” Simon breathed, taking a step towards him, closing the gap again. “I didn’t know you were ace, I didn’t know we were together. You never said anything. I thought,” he shook his head in elated disbelief. “I thought we were almost there, and that any day I would find the courage to finally kiss you.” His gaze flickered down to Simon’s lips, and he licked them nervously.

“I think I might want to kiss you,” Raphael admitted, clearing his throat and looking awkward. Simon placed his hand on his cheek, tentatively, as if he couldn’t believe he was allowed.

“Do you want to try? We don’t have to.” Simon shuffled even closer, his hand sliding naturally to cup the side of his neck. Raphael nodded, slightly, gaze locked on his mouth, before his eyes drifted shut.

The kiss was gentle, and hesitant. The slightly too hard press of Raphael’s lips made Simon sure that it wasn’t a dream. He kissed him again, a small nudge of his lips, and Raphael responded eagerly, moving his mouth against his in gentle presses. His hands came up to the sides of Simon’s face, his fingers curling back into his hair, pulling him closer and kissing him a little deeper. It was everything he’d ever wanted and nothing like he’d ever imagined. Simon broke the kiss to laugh happily against his mouth, unable to hold it in. Raphael pulled away with a conflicted look on his face.

“I don’t like it when you breathe on my face,” he said. “But I like the kissing.”

“Good thing I can hold my breath for the rest of eternity,” Simon said with a laugh, wrapping his arms around him and pulling him into a crushing hug, head buried into his shoulder.

“You wouldn’t be able to talk that way,” Raphael groused, though he looped his arms around his back and held him closely.

“You’d probably like me better like that,” Simon teased.

“No,” Raphael said seriously. “No, I wouldn’t.”

“I can’t believe I get to keep you,” Simon breathed, overwhelmed by his luck.

“I can’t believe you didn’t know I was already yours,” Raphael murmured sweetly, turning his head to drop a kiss on his neck. They stood there for a while longer, Simon basking in relief and acceptance. He buried his nose in his partner’s shoulder and breathed in, hoping that perfect combination of hair gel, rich linen and blood stuck with him forever. Raphael broke the silence suddenly. “Will it be enough?” he asked, almost imperceptibly quiet.

“Will what be enough?” Simon asked, unwrapping his arms from his waist so he could hook them over his shoulders instead, leaning heavily against him.

“Me, this. If nothing about our relationship changes, will it be enough for you? You didn’t even know it was happening, before.” Raphael sounded far too nervous, something Simon had never heard in his voice before.

“Can I sleep with you every night?” Raphael nodded. “Can we hug and cuddle and can I hold your hand?” Raphael nodded. “Do you want to keep working on kissing?” Raphael nodded again, a little slower this time. “Do you think you could love me one day?” Simon asked finally, trying to be brave

“Simon,” Raphael breathed. “I already do.”

“Then you are all I will ever need,” Simon promised, pressing a light kiss to his cheek. Raphael turned his face into Simon’s touch and hesitantly took his lips in another kiss. This time, Simon didn’t need to remember to hold his breath, because Raphael had already taken it away.

 

Waking up in Raphael’s bed again felt like not waking up at all. In fact, Simon thought he could stay here forever, in this perfect dream. He rolled over and saw Raphael sleeping next to him, on his stomach, head turned away. Simon wiggled closer across the bed, running his hand down his partner’s back, marveling in the fact that he was allowed, that this was his to have. Raphael tensed as he woke up, but then melted back into the sheets, turning his head to blink at Simon blearily.

“Good evening,” Simon said quietly, leaning forward to kiss his forehead. “I didn’t mean to wake you, I just wanted to touch you. See if you were real.” Raphael smiled sleepily.

“It’s fine,” Raphael said, still half buried in his pillow. “I’m just not used to being touched in my sleep.”

“Am I touching you too much?” Simon asked, nervously. He’d wrapped around Raphael like a shipwreck in their bed, which Raphael endured for a few hours of Netflix before telling him that he couldn’t sleep like that when they settled in for the day.

“Not too much, I like it,” Raphael yawned. “It's just more than I’m used to.” Simon tightened his arm around him, hooking one of his heels in the bend of one of his partner’s legs.

“I want you to smell like me, is that weird?” Simon asked, pressing his face into Raphael’s hair, soft and curly without product in it.

“It’s natural,” Raphael said, still sounding half asleep. He leaned into Simon, pressing himself against his chest. Simon found it adorably charming. “It’s how vampires mark each other, to claim them to others.” Simon’s hand stilled on his back.

“You never did that before,” he said, staring at the wall over his partner’s head. “Do you want to keep us a secret?” Raphael chuckled against him.

“Even if I wanted to, there would be no point,” he said, beginning to sound more awake. “I was… unpleasant to be around when you were gone. Lily told me rather loudly in front of a large audience that if I was going to be a “poisonous cunt,” I believe she said, every time we had a fight then she was going to kill you herself just to get it all over with.”

“Oh,” Simon said, feeling both terrified and oddly turned on.

“So no, there’s no point in keeping my feelings for you a secret, and yes, you can make me smell like you.”

“Good,” Simon said, running his hand over his back again in a gentle, scratching rhythm. “I don’t want that new girl thinking she has a chance.”

“She doesn’t,” Raphael grumbled, and Simon didn’t know if he was saying she didn’t have a chance, or she didn’t think she had a chance. Either way his answer was the same.

“She better not. Because you’re mine now. Forever.”

“Forever is a long time to a vampire,” Raphael said, brushing a shy kiss to his collarbone.

“I know what I said,” Simon assured him with a smile.

“You still have to be civil to her, Simon. She’s a new member of the clan, she needs to be welcomed and she needs to be trained. I will be spending a lot of time with her, and I need you to be okay with that.”

“As long as you keep coming back to me, I’m okay with anything,” Simon said, dropping another kiss on his head.

“You never have to worry about that,” Raphael promised.

Simon thought that talking about forever was maybe a little early for their relationship. But going from so low to this high left him breathless and euphoric and feeling like nothing could ever go wrong as long as he had this man in his arms. He knew eventually the honeymoon would fade and they were have to get used to living their regular lives together, and eventually this part of his life would be just as normal and mundane as any other. There might be a time where feeling Raphael’s lips brush over his cheek didn’t make his breathe catch in his throat, and there might be a time where he didn’t immediately light up at hearing Raphael’s laugh.

But even that made Simon so excited for his future. Because a life in which Raphael’s smile was such a regular sight it wasn’t thought-stoppingly beautiful was the kind of life Simon would be happy living.

 

**Author's Note:**

> You can follow me on tumblr if you want more of my trash existence. I'm [ definitelynotadulting ](http://definitelynotadulting.tumblr.com/)


End file.
